Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
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Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me