[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
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Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.