Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
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‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep