Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
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“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”