I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
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I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*