Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
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My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
The happy life.. 😊
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day