Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
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At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
A woman drives into a bar.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
do what now??