Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
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(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
“The Perfect Relationship”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter