Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
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It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
A small tragedy.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.