[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
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What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Imma just leave this here…………
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”