My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
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*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
This is me
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
A wise man once said nothing.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.