my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
You Might Also Like
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest