me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
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Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Aight bet
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Actually cracking up @ this
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.