You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
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*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.