I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
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I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Oh boy, $150,000!