@OneFunnyMummy

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

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@AngelaHelga

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

@JohnLyonTweets

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

@CynicalTherapi1

As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.

@fro_vo

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

@MomofTeen

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.

@TonyRadioGuy

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

@ericsshadow

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

@amydillon

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

@LipLush1

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?