Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
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I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
accurate
Me trying to reach for my goals
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.