@funnyordie Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
@EndhooS [Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
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@funnyordie 
@StarWarsProblms Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
@Kyle_Raney DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
@English_Channel I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
@DamienFahey Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
@PeaceInTruth1 For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
@trevso_electric turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
@thejamietighe *rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
@emptyheadtwo He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
@theregoesrichie I enjoy a good short stor