@EndhooS

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

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@StarWarsProblms

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

@Kyle_Raney

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

@DamienFahey

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

@PeaceInTruth1

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

@trevso_electric

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

@thejamietighe

*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.

@emptyheadtwo

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.