[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
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Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
kitchen magnet
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !