me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
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*gets down on one knee*
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*