it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
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How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!