Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…馃槀馃槒馃惗
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asked my bf how work was today
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you鈥檝e been a choired
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other鈥檚 dresses
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there鈥檚 10 characters I don鈥檛 recognize and I just walk away
My kids don鈥檛 recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Husband: Don鈥檛 the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It鈥檚 at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padm茅: Ew. You鈥檙e 9.
Anakin:
Padm茅: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.