Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
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When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I’ve been learning to cook.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain