HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
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I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
The Assassin.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
I’m not stressed