Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
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Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
called in thicc to work this morning
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”