Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
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BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.