[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
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robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie