It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
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[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
just got my engagement photos
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me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok