[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
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Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
A choir of Spring onions
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER