In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
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Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.