I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
You Might Also Like
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Yes, but it was never about money
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
the icebreaker