Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
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If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Body by Oreos
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
*mops up wine with cat*
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.