Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
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Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.