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The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.