Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
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What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
when someone compliments me
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.