[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
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Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Hot Panini is in big trouble
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.