She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
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Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I put the h in mysterious.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.