For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
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[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.