Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
You Might Also Like
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.