me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
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I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
😏😏😏
Breaking news:
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.