Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
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Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***