Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
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The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.