If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
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These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.