I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Safety first
![]()
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
![]()
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE