One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
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Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Found my door mat
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.