Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
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[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Me too, bag. Me too….