[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
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Erm…
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???