If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
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[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
The internet is magic sometimes.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
When you don’t understand how floors work
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
bugs when you lift up a rock
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.