If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
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Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.