The internet is magic sometimes.
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I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
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I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer