The internet is magic sometimes.
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DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
#Thanos #MondayMood
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
This makes total sense…
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago