@TheDebbieMia

The internet is magic sometimes.

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@ItsAndyRyan

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

@P1ssed_K1d

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

@Kaladas_

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

@Carbosly

WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.

– Snow globe, the story.

@isabelzawtun

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

@KalvinMacleod

NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe

@UnIxphysco

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

@HonestToddler

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

@Blazed_n_Amused

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.