WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
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Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.
– Snow globe, the story.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.