The internet is magic sometimes.
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ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Me too 😆
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Golf would be better with landmines.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso