The internet is magic sometimes.

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It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.


Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.


A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?


Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.


When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.


“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP


I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.