Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
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inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.