My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
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You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
doing some research
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.