I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
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Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”