Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
You Might Also Like
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”