Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
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Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
😂😂😂
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.